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How can you go from thinking I’m amazing one day and then not caring if I go the next?

Am I that easy to just throw away?

Why is it after all this time and energy that I have put into you that I am still on the outside of your wall? I’m not asking to be the center of your world here. I’m just asking to be your friend. For you to care about me. For you to trust me.. even in the smallest way.

Why is it that I am always the one that is wrong? Why is it that it’s my “expectations” that are being unfair and not you? Why is it SO WRONG for me to have feelings and to need things from you? Was I wrong to assume we were friends? Was I wrong to assume that you COULD be there for me when I needed you, after you had been in the past?

Why didn’t I listen to everyone who told me that you were just playing me? That you could care about someone else? Why did I think they were wrong?

How could I be such an idiot?
I feel like I'm drowning.

At one time, I was desperately trying grab on to anything that could save me. That time has passed. Now I just see myself letting go. Not fighting it anymore.

Everything I seem to do ends in failure. I'm so tired of that. Of trying so fucking hard only to see it crash and burn.

Why bother with it anymore?


I feel like I've taken so many steps backward. I feel like I am the way I used to be. I'm back to not being me... to not even knowing what it means to be me.

When I was with Josh... he reassured me. He gave me what I needed. Made me believe it was ok to be me. He helped me grow, but also told me I was ok now. I've been so focused on growing.. on being better.. that I didn't realize how much I needed to feel ok with who I am right now. I hate that I have to look to other people to give me that. I wish I could just look in the mirror and be ok with what I saw. To accept who I am. But what I see is this pathetic person who tries so hard to be what other people what her to be. I can't respect that. I keep looking for validation from everyone else because I just can't give it to myself. This is me is so weak. I should be able to just be confident.

Ever since Josh left... I've tried to tell myself I'm fine. I know that I'm not. It hurts. But I didn't want to face the fact that I didn't just love him. I needed him. I needed him in the most unhealthy way. I did love him for who he was... and I know what I felt for him was more than any I have ever been with. I feel almost that saying I needed him is canceling out the real love I had for him. That people will only see the need and  not think I could have had real feelings for him.

I haven't even been able to tell my therapist all this stuff. To speak the words.... to admit that I am weak... it's so unbearab;e. I don't want anyone to think of me that way and I am SO afraid they will. Me writing this is hard enough. I'm sobbing as I type this. I just don't want to admit all this. I don't want to face all this. It makes me feel like I can't do it. That there is something wrong with me that can't be fixed. I know I need to though. My logical mind is telling me I can't solve a problem until I REALLY know what it is. I just have hid the real problem from myself for so long.

So, I guess this is the beginning. Again. I am stating the problem. I'm not sure that I can solve it... in fact I'm really scared I CAN'T.... but I'm going to try. Just writing this journal shows me that I'm trying. Here goes nothing.
I am so ready for Christmas to be over. This is so damn depressing.


Its been a while since I posted. I've come on here a couple times to post and I always drew a blank. I don't know that I have to write about. I think its because I've felt so blah lately. Yeah, I've had a lot going on, new place, new car new everything. But I dunno. It still seems unreal to me. Like a dream or something. To be back home is great. I've missed my family alot. Now I have like a whole new family. They have helped me so much with everything. Somehow though...I feel like this is all going to end. I going to do something to screw it up or not do enough or just something. I never have good going on in my life. I mean, I feel better about myself. I think differently. But the old fears are still there. I know that  I can have a different life and I'm really starting to do that. But still...all it takes is one mistake for my whole world to come crashing down. All it takes is one mistake to prove everyone right. I'm not trying to say that I WILL fail. But my whole life has been that. Failure. My couselor keeps telling me it wasnt failure because I learned from it. But it still is imprinted in my brain. There are times I get really nervous about myself. Scared. I can't talk to this about other people because they see that as me on the path to messing up. Daddy, Mom, even some of my friends. Truth be told...I'm scared shitless. What if I CAN'T do this? I know there are so many people that are just waiting for me to mess up. I don't want to get into that line of thinking and I have been pushing it down so much lately. Every time a thought like that comes up I just dismiss it. I know that I try my hardest to do everything right. I keep telling myelf you can do this you can do this. But its so hard when you have mssed up SO much and it hard to believe it about yourself. I have kept away from everything that caused me to fail in the past. I'm still plan to do that when I move in and am alone. I'm still so scared I will mess up. I'm so afraid that I will let Chloe down. I mean...I don't let people's thoughts about me effect me as much as I used to...but I don't want them to be right. I don't want them to say I knew she couldnt do this...

I didn't even realize that I felt like this until I started typing this entry

Going Home

Well, I'm finally going home. I can't tell you how happy I am about all this. My sibs have been great through all this. My brother is coming to get me and Elizabeth and him both helped me find a car. My brother is letting me stay with him so I dont have to stay at the shelter. His roommate is even taking my dog. (Scott said he would put her down if he couldn't find a place for her)This is why I'm moving back. To be closer to them. Everything is just falling into place. I even found a possible apartment. What I have found in my life...if things are easy, it means I'm making the right decision. I'm just so happy to be able to get back around people I know and be able to stablize my life for Chloe. I've even talked to my dad about her coming home. It may be a little while yet, but I'm working hard to getting her back.

I'm glad to be getting out of here and back where I belong.



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October 2010